Today has been a hard day. A long day. And still somewhere in there, a beautiful day.
We had my sweet boy-child’s third appointment. It was a hard appointment. He didn’t want to do the testing anymore. He didn’t want the rewards. He just wanted to go home.
At the end of the appointment, the neuropsychologist did some free play with Sweet Boy-Child. It was sweet and he loved it. The hard part came when I was asked how often we free play. With 4 littles and especially, Baby Boy, around, it’s almost impossible to play without being interrupted or the play destroyed. All ending with Boy-Child screaming.
I Am Not Enough
Realizing, or rather, remembering my human-ness was hard. Is hard. I cannot and never will be able to be everything for my children, my family. While that is usually okay, today it was hard. Did my human-ness somehow fail my son? I know it didn’t, deep down, I do. I know he is beautifully and wonderfully made. But in the stillness, in the quiet corners of my mind, my heart, I wonder. I cry.
I am thankful that in those moments, I have a community of women that lift me up. That pray for me. That talk with me. That remind me, that I am Sweet Boy-Child’s mom. I was CHOSEN. They remind me that I am a good mom. But most importantly, they pick me up and point me back to the One who is enough.
Then this afternoon, my eldest, the man-child was practicing his Awanas verses:
“Oh, give thanks to the Lord for He is GOOD, for His STEADFAST love endures forever” Psalm 107:1
And I remembered. He IS good. His love never fails, it never gives up. It is steady. So I cling. I run back to the truth. And then he told me his second verse;
“REJOICE in the Lord always, again I say rejoice” Philippians 4:4
And I sighed. I haven’t been rejoicing today. I’ve been moping – eating an entire bag of cookies (with milk, to be healthy, of course) and watching Gilmore Girls. I didn’t turn and rejoice. I didn’t talk to God. I shut down.
But there is so much to rejoice in. The beauty of today. The weather, the sunshine. The kids playing with friends. Talks with neighbors. Friends that carry me, that lift me up, that love on me. There is so much constant joy, but oh how easily I forget.
Even in this difficult season, there is joy. I have to choose to see it, to rejoice in the good. To give thanks even in the hard. In the moments that try to break me. But I will choose to bravely give thanks, to rejoice. To remember His love and to run to it, even when I would rather run away. He is my help and my joy. And even when it gets hard, I will run to Jesus, to get me through, to remind me of my joy.
Do you need to rejoice today? Were there hard, ugly moments? If so, can you still find joy, something you can give thanks in? Please join me in this journey, it’s always better to walk together!