This week, it has been cool and cloudy. We had finally experienced spring and were enjoying the sunshine, the warmth, and the opportunities to be outside again. But this week, it’s back to cooler, cloudy weather. We’ve had fog and rain. And honestly, it reflects where I’m at right now. Or more appropriately, it reflects my heart right now. I’m tired. I’m worn out and exhausted. And I’m going to buckle and break soon.
Honestly, things have actually been going well lately. We, currently, don’t have any extra doctor appointments for Boy Child (we are just waiting for the feedback session at the end of the month). Man Child has made some amazing strides in his attitude and heart while Boy Child has been working on his coping strategies. It’s been a calmer, quieter week. Really, there’s no reason for me to be cloudy.
Except there is. I’m a mom. And yes, that is beautiful. It is wonderful. It is a huge blessing. But it’s also exhausting and wearying. And right now I find myself in the busy season.
My husband is an auditor, and he is crazy busy January through April. I’ve been managing appointments, dinner, and bedtimes on my own. And I like to think that I’ve handled it all pretty well. But, I always start to break by the end of these busy times. I get tired. My to do list stays the same or grows with the addition of spring cleaning. And I get behind. And once I get behind the mountains of laundry and cleaning get insurmountable. And then they are too big for the kids to help. So the mountains keeps growing. And I get more worn. And more tired.
Let’s pause for a minute. I want to be clear. I am beyond thankful and appreciative to my husband and all that he does to care for and provide for our family. I know that while I find myself exhausted, he is finding himself there too, just in a different way. We have discussed these busy times, and we ebb and flow with solutions throughout this time. But no matter the solutions, these seasons just wear. They do. They wear on us both, and we find ourselves in a place, seeking rest once they are finished and normal life comes back. Thankfully, even in the “normal,” we have adapted to finding rest there. It’s that final push that shows us where we are breaking. And just how badly we need “normal” back.
So these days of cloudy cool days, with no outdoor playing. These days of being cooped up in our own homes are hard. They are just plain hard, never mind the tired season we are in, never mind the recent taste of beautiful weather. These days are just hard. The rain and cold prove isolating. The isolating makes us more worn, more weary, and more bristled.
Today, as I sat with a friend, also a mom of 4, we talked, and we shared our weariness. Although we cannot carry each other’s weariness, although we cannot take it from one another – I still came away from our morning, feeling less weary. By sharing our brokenness, our mess, we helped to lift each other back up, to a place of at least standing, once more. And then she says something that I hold onto.
It’s heart work.
Though it was in a different context, I grabbed hold. That’s it. That’s exactly it. Yes, this life is hard work.
But I am going to choose to re-frame that hard work. While it may be hard, all this work is truly heart work. It is all working on my heart. It is refining me, it is what is drawing me closer to Jesus. So I will embrace it (even if I really don’t want to). This heart work. This raising up of my children. This loving God, my family, and my community. This creating/keeping of a welcoming home (Note, I’m not saying perfectly clean. This is on purpose. I never want my home to be perfect. It is a reflection of my life, and it should be lived in. But I want it to always bewelcoming.).
As always happens lately, the Psalms spoke to my heart, both yesterday and today, on this subject of weariness.
“…Tabor and Hermon (two mountains) joyously praise Your name.” (Psalm 89:12)
I love that – the mountains JOYOUSLY praise His name. And I reflect on my blog name. Grace MOUNTAIN Diaries. I sit and I tell all of you that I see life as a mountain. One that we climb, some days easily, some days unsure of our footing. But never alone. And here, in the Word, it reminds me that the mountains praise God. My mountain, my LIFE is joyously praising my Creator. My heart work is there, in the praise. In the exhaustion. In the fog and the clouds. In the rain. In the floods. Even then, even there. I will praise God. Heart work.
And then today, I read:
“Lord, You have been our dwelling place…” (Psalm 90:1)
He is my DWELLING PLACE. He is my sanctuary. Where I find protection from the floods. From the rain. In my dwelling place, I can find the strength to keep going with my heart work. I can rest there, when my work is making me tired. I needed the reminder that I cannot continue this hard work on my own. That my strength is found in my Dwelling Place. And I continued chapter 90:
“Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!” (Psalm 90:17)
What great grace that all of this hard work can have meaning! That all of this work has value. It has significance. Even in the flood. Even in the hard, messy days. Our work is important. We can rejoice knowing that though this work is hard, it is beautiful. It is heart work.
Are you finding yourself tired and exhausted? Waiting for the sunshine and warmth of spring? Do you need to embrace the heart work around you? Leave a comment, or send me a message – I would love to be praying for you and would love to encourage you in your work.