Heart Work

CLOUDY

This week, it has been cool and cloudy. We had finally experienced spring and were enjoying the sunshine, the warmth, and the opportunities to be outside again. But this week, it’s back to cooler, cloudy weather. We’ve had fog and rain. And honestly, it reflects where I’m at right now. Or more appropriately, it reflects my heart right now. I’m tired. I’m worn out and exhausted. And I’m going to buckle and break soon.

Honestly, things have actually been going well lately. We, currently, don’t have any extra doctor appointments for Boy Child (we are just waiting for the feedback session at the end of the month). Man Child has made some amazing strides in his attitude and heart while Boy Child has been working on his coping strategies. It’s been a calmer, quieter week. Really, there’s no reason for me to be cloudy.

MOM
Except there is. I’m a mom. And yes, that is beautiful. It is wonderful. It is a huge blessing. But it’s also exhausting and wearying. And right now I find myself in the busy season.

My husband is an auditor, and he is crazy busy January through April. I’ve been managing appointments, dinner, and bedtimes on my own. And I like to think that I’ve handled it all pretty well. But, I always start to break by the end of these busy times. I get tired. My to do list stays the same or grows with the addition of spring cleaning. And I get behind. And once I get behind the mountains of laundry and cleaning get insurmountable. And then they are too big for the kids to help. So the mountains keeps growing. And I get more worn. And more tired.

Let’s pause for a minute. I want to be clear. I am beyond thankful and appreciative to my husband and all that he does to care for and provide for our family. I know that while I find myself exhausted, he is finding himself there too, just in a different way. We have discussed these busy times, and we ebb and flow with solutions throughout this time. But no matter the solutions, these seasons just wear. They do. They wear on us both, and we find ourselves in a place, seeking rest once they are finished and normal life comes back. Thankfully, even in the “normal,” we have adapted to finding rest there. It’s that final push that shows us where we are breaking. And just how badly we need “normal” back.

So these days of cloudy cool days, with no outdoor playing. These days of being cooped up in our own homes are hard. They are just plain hard, never mind the tired season we are in, never mind the recent taste of beautiful weather. These days are just hard. The rain and cold prove isolating. The isolating makes us more worn, more weary, and more bristled.

HEART WORK

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Truth

 FEAR ANXIETY WORRY
Last week, I attended my church’s MOPS night. My friend, Dr. Zach Sikora spoke on anxiety, fear, and worry. I like to think that I don’t worry very much. I don’t deal with anxiety or fear. But as he spoke, I took my notes. I thought about how I have seen worry and anxiety in others and even in my life…before. Not now. As our table discussed how fear impacts our lives, I continued to think that I have this area covered. Perhaps not perfectly casting aside worry and fear, but it is not a habit.
Still, I decided to reflect. I got quiet. I knew God had something for me in this. I knew because, one of Zach’s points was on remembering God’s past faithfulness as a way of combating worry. Whenever I hear something repeatedly, I know God is asking me to keep listening, He’s telling me there’s still more. I just wrote about thankfulness and the act of remembering on my last post, I read about it in a book, and heard a sermon discussing this. So I knew I needed to stop and reflect. To really listen. To be still. 
NOT ENOUGH
I slowly started to realized that there is something in my life. I fight the tension of being a ‘good enough mom.’ I fear that my ‘not enough,’ my humanness is the cause of my sweet boy-child’s delays. I wrote about this a few weeks ago, here. I honestly thought I had moved past this, onto a new lesson. I understand it. I KNOW the truth. I KNOW I am chosen to be Sweet Boy-Child’s mom. I KNOW that I did not cause his delays. I KNOW that he is perfectly and wonderfully made. I do. Truly, I do.

But somewhere, I don’t. Somewhere, in the dark corners, truth gets lost. Lies seep in. They whisper to me. And somewhere the truth gets crowded out. And I forget. And I wonder. I give the lies time and space. I give them life. I have to choose to confront those lies. To speak truth back to them. To remember the truth that I have learned. And instead of pushing them back to a dark corner, I need to actually confront them, fight them, and win.

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A Thankful Heart

THE BALL

This past weekend, my husband and I were invited to attend a ball! Yes, that’s right, a ball. We were excited to attend an event that was outside our “normal.” Really, just getting to go out was great. This is my husband’s busy time at work, so a night out (and a FREE one at that!) was exactly what we needed.

But as we drove around to find a parking spot, we drove past people living in homelessness. I realized that something had changed within me – I was heart broken that people had paid thousands of dollars to attend this function tonight. Yet, right here were people – left forgotten, broken, and alone. Walking into the ball, I was struck with the extravagance of it all. It was beautiful, but it was too much.

Please know, I am not against beautiful events or parties. I am not against having a nice home or nice things. I enjoy all of those things, and I think that is okay. I am, however, struck by the extreme differences and saddened that if some of this money was given to organizations focused on helping people, the world could be a different, better place. And really, it should be.

ONE THOUSAND GIFTS 

Earlier that day, I had been reading from Ann Voskamp’s, One Thousand Gifts, about thankfulness. She recounted how living in thankfulness had begun to cultivate a life of trust. A life without constant worry and fear; because we spend time remembering, recounting God’s prior faithfulness.

I had realized that this was also true in me. I have found freedom from my fears, my parental worries. And when I forget, I return to the feet of Jesus and ask Him to help me leave these bags at His feet. I return to my list of thankfulness, and I try again. I have also found contentment. Happiness with what I have, and truly seeing the fullness of it all.

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Rejoice

Today has been a hard day. A long day. And still somewhere in there, a beautiful day.

We had my sweet boy-child’s third appointment. It was a hard appointment. He didn’t want to do the testing anymore. He didn’t want the rewards. He just wanted to go home.

At the end of the appointment, the neuropsychologist did some free play with Sweet Boy-Child. It was sweet and he loved it. The hard part came when I was asked how often we free play. With 4 littles and especially, Baby Boy, around, it’s almost impossible to play without being interrupted or the play destroyed. All ending with Boy-Child screaming.

I Am Not Enough

Realizing, or rather, remembering my human-ness was hard. Is hard. I cannot and never will be able to be everything for my children, my family. While that is usually okay, today it was hard. Did my human-ness somehow fail my son? I know it didn’t, deep down, I do. I know he is beautifully and wonderfully made. But in the stillness, in the quiet corners of my mind, my heart, I wonder. I cry.

I am thankful that in those moments, I have a community of women that lift me up. That pray for me. That talk with me. That remind me, that I am Sweet Boy-Child’s mom. I was CHOSEN. They remind me that I am a good mom. But most importantly, they pick me up and point me back to the One who is enough.

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